Who needs Uni right?

University isn’t for everybody, and that’s okay. Some people are born to be academics and some, like me, are made to give it a go but find their passions lie elsewhere. Whilst part of me wishes I wasn’t writing this blog post, I think it’s important to break the stigma that dropping out of uni is a sign of weakness because it’s not. For me to drop out of uni it means really facing the reality I now have to grow up and be the adult I don’t want to be.

I should probably catch you all up to date first before I jump right in to this. Basically, I didn’t pass a main module of my second year studying Costume at Nottingham Trent University meaning I failed the year and I was given two options. Retake the year (minus life drawing, which was my favourite part) or drop out. I chose the latter. It wasn’t a decision I took lightly but ultimately it was the best choice for me. Admittedly I had struggled a lot with my mental health for the first part of the year which hugely impacted my studies and in the long run, by the time I got better it was too late and I had missed too much to catch up. You see, a large part of my anxiety involved going into class rooms filled with people, it was the same during Alevels and I had hoped It would be different in uni but it wasn’t. From this my attendance dramatically dropped, so much so, that my peers thought I had dropped out as I was never there. However, this wasn’t without trying, most mornings, at my worse, would be spent getting ready and geared up for uni, only to have a panic attack leaving the house and I would hurry back inside to the shelter of my bed. Stupidly I didn’t do anything to help myself, I wouldn’t email in and explain, instead I would just ignore uni and hope it would all be okay, in fear I would be judged weak by my uni for struggling with something so simple as turning up to a class. Which of course was irrational, but in the end, it partly came true. My uni accused me of being lazy when, after around 6 weeks of no attendance, they had expected me to miraculously be able to have 100% attendance. Even after having meetings to discuss my anxiety. Of course, I was unable to do this, although did manage to boost my non-existence up to around 76% (pretty good in my standards all things considering) Just not good enough for them. Mental health, I feel, is not supported or really understood at uni. If a physical injury prevented someone going in because it caused them so much pain, you wouldn’t expect them to be in perfect condition to come back full time as soon as they started treatment, would you? I knew It wasn’t enough, I felt shit about it already, but for my uni to be accusing I was lazy and was merely doing this because I couldn’t be bothered with my studies, really kicked me whilst I was down.

Year 2 had left me sobbing outside uni on the last day, having not slept or washed my hair 3 in three days, covered in thread and paint and unable to catch up on the work that was due in half an hour. (I looked such a sorry state, my mate dragged me to spoons with her friend, probably in pitty) Why would I do that to myself all over again? Hell the fuck no was I going to do that.

Although it wasn’t all doom and gloom, costume was my dream, I fought so hard against my Sixth Form to allow to me go on to study this and not fashion. I still stand by this. Everything about my uni course I loved. The history behind politics and dress, the history of fashion, designing in way I would never have thought to design, learning about artists and their lives, falling in love with life drawing. All of it was a dream come true (don’t get me wrong, some bits were shit, but in all it was great) But I just wasn’t ready for it. Maybe I should have done a foundation year, or taken a year out? However, I still think the same thing would have happened. Moving away to Nottingham alone truly find made me face up to my flaws and process my mental health in a different way than before. And despite it ending in me leaving uni, I wouldn’t change anything about it. I learnt so much about myself, grew up quite significantly, and finally addressed many issues that I had been suppressing. I feel I have come out of it a better person.This has started to feel like a lament about my anxiety (it’s really not something I talk about in my daily life I swear) I never intended to talk about it so much in this post but I did feel it important to be truthful throughout this. I guess I didn’t realise how much of an impact it had.

I am in a much better place mentally and genuinely feel like a better version of myself currently. Mental health can take so much from you until you work to have it back again and realise how much of yourself you were really missing. I learnt invaluable skills and met the most incredible people at my time in uni. Without uni I would have never moved to Nottingham and met my best friends or discovered my love of bar tending (so cliché, but I really love working on a bar) And I intend to stay in Nottingham. Uni gave me a new start to my life and I am thankful for what I did manage to achieve. Who knows, maybe I’ll end up going back to uni to study something different, or maybe I’ll work my way up the ranks and somewhere. But whatever happens I know I gave it my best shot and I’m going to continue to do that and see what lies in store for me next.

#Anxiety #Life #University #Happy