An ode to Anxiety

Fuck you Anxiety, sincerely an unstable student who needs a break

Anxiety sucks dick, no, even that's too nice for it. It's an actual fuck tard. It can turn any situation into the most horrible feeling. Your chest is heavy and you can't breath, the shallow little breaths you can take do nothing but increase your heart rate to a point where you have no voice, everything shakes. Your mind and body hurt so much you can't even cry because the heaviness has taken over. Even if you wanted too you wouldn't be able to swallow some water. Everything has seized up. You can't stand on your own anymore, everything is shaking and the heartbeat running through you does nothing but make the feeling worse. Your stomach twist into knots, You can feel it try to take in the oxygen but it cant, it's wound up so tight all you can do is crouch in the fetal position. You can't breath, the lightheadedness sets in from the shitty breathing and you don't care any more. Who gives a fuck if you can breath or not. It's no use to you anyway.

My body still finds a way to let me down with panic attacks. Even on the happiest of days. Some don't come with triggers, some do. Those that do, start with a knot in your stomach that twists every time you think about it, every time your brain starts thing what if … what about...why not this...the knot worsens, your voice is the next thing to go. I can't talk, what if I say something that makes it worse, is there any point of wasting someone's time more with my words. I'll say something wrong and they'll judge me. then its the head, I can feel it, I can only feel the thoughts whizzing about. Physically I can feel the front of my brain turning and turning trying to process what it has caused. The thoughts that might have been and what might be. Then its the shakes, my hands don't want to work, I can feel the pressure of my heart beating faster and faster making my chest and neck vibrate with the strength of its pulsing. No amounts of beta blockers can stop the full force of that. As the shaking gets worse, your body tries to stop it you start to cry. Sometimes you do, sometimes you cant. An animal like noise of pain will try slip past your lips, the pain trying to exit but that does nothing. Just makes you annoyed that you're so pathetic on you bedroom floor unable to move, breath. trapped by your thoughts and your heartbeat in a giant duel, your sanity the prize. It doesn't just stop after the attack, it continues, the shaking stays, the thoughts that's started this are still there. It's so frustrating, damn fucking straight I know I look pathetic, but you will never understand that the idea of walking into an open plan classroom scares me more that anything, the phone ringing is that of a warning bell in which my heart mimics the trill quick sound.

I type this sat on the end of my bed at 3am on the last day of uni this year. A day where I have spent hours prepping work for, sleepless nights working towards to hand everything in on time. A day where celebrating and joy is at its highest yet I cant feel it and it makes it all the more worse. Why cant my body accept that I should be happy?

In all honesty writing this has calmed me, it has grounded me. I can breath again just about. My stomach still wont untwist though, not yet. Without reading what I have written yet, I can tell it will look like a self absorbed, attention post. Its not that. This has been written during an attack, not my worse, but not a pretty one either. I let my shaking hands take control of the keyboard and the wrote what I could feel. Another thing with these I find, you don't remember it. I never can. One of my worse panic attacks happened on a night out, all I remember is sitting by my door not knowing if I could make it through that night. And the next day … I went into uni like nothing happened. I chatted with my mates, I went for lunch, I called my Mum and told her about how wonderful my week was going and I came back home, exhausted by the interactions, and climbed into my bed and slept. That is how anxiety is deadly, everyone who has told me they have it, you would never know. To anyone else you're a normal functioning person, because you don't want to feel weak in front of them. You don't want attention, all you want is to feel that normality you crave. I hate that after 8 hours of uni and suppressing panic attacks I have to come home and hide for a bit in bed. I hate that when I go to a party with mates I have know for years I have to ask someone to turn up with me. I bloody hate that I cant pick up a phone to call a taxi or to answer to know my pizza has been delivered. damn I want my pizza without the side order of panic attack.

I have never written or properly spoken about my anxiety before. I could bore you with the details of why I have it and such but I wont. That's for another breakdown. But this has been therapeutic and I do think that people need to be aware of anxiety more, its not just a fragile girl being scared of something. It's not glamorous. It's real. The most recent Psychiatric Morbidity Survey shows that around 3 million people have anxiety as their primary medical problem, approximately 1/10 people. Support during this is such a huge thing, and for me to open up about this issue fully I have to trust you immensely. I am forever grateful for the people who have earn't that trust and helped me in the little ways. I will never forget the time my mate left a party and came to mine late at night just so I wasn't going through it alone, and the time when someone listened to me, took me seriously, gave me a hug and just hung out with me like a normal day.

I don't do diaries but actually, just maybe shitty long blog posts that no one will want to read is the way to go on.

So if you've managed to stay for this long, thanks and congratulations. You managed to survive a panic attack real time Jenna style. I'm not claiming all panic attacks are like this, everyone's mental health is unique to them. This is just a small insight into one of my experiences having anxiety. I hope that if this affects you, you can know you're not alone on this. People have got your back, and the people who don't aren't worth you time. But you have be there for them too biatch, don't be a shitty friend if you're wanting good ones. And if you have no experience in this field let this open your mind a little bit...or ignore it, good night... or day...fuck knows what time it is anymore.... time for pizza I hope.

#Mentalhealth #Anxiety #University