The Bar Code

I started writing this blog post back in August when I was working at a popular London theatre, behind the bar. And, me being me, I never got around to finishing it, lucky for you though, I got myself a job at another theatre bar when I went back up to Nottingham, so the saga of this tale can continue! I am sat on a train, listening to the sound track of the show in question, editing, and realise how much of a miss match this post will be as simultaneously you will find its filled with pure wonder lust yet hatred for the subject. So, sit back and enjoy this dichotomous blog post which I should have finished 5 months ago.

I would never have thought that my summer would plan out like this. I originally turned down a summer sale assistant at a large clothing store as I must admit I found it all too daunting for me. If you've has the chance to have read my other blog post, you will know I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. Going into somewhere new is scary for everyone, but for me that fear is irrationally weighted so that even the thought of going can make me physically sick. After that disappointment and almost a month after coming home from uni, I chose it was the right time for me to start looking for a summer job again. I didn't want to give up my lazy mornings and my days slaved to day time TV and my Pilate classes. I adored staying in and living a life of lazy leisure. But in all honesty, as much as I would like to say I had an epiphany of work ethic bestowed upon me, I needed money and I needed it soon if I was going to keep up my obsessive amazon shopping habit. So, I found myself a job working behind the bar at a popular London theatre which I was shit scared of. How did I manage to land myself this? I am the clumsiest person ever so how the hell was I going to serve drinks and not knock things over and break glasses 24/7? Well it transpires I do knock things over and I spill more Gin that I would like to admit to my manager, but somehow, I work it! It took a while but I finally mastered holding 5 stemless wine glasses with four fingers, without them smashing!

My love of the theatre is undisputed, every aspect of it sends a magical flow through me and I just know I belong. When I took this job, I was merely happy to be back in a theatre again, never would I have imagined the privileges that would ensue. You see, we get to dive into the underbelly of it all. The roads we are allowed to take are a labyrinth of white washed walls that delve under the stage, though the sacred halls actors and those alike have walked for century’s…and here I am…holding a busting bag of rubbish with beer juice running over my shoes. Classy aye. The bags under my eyes from getting the 11:28 tube home, the ache in my feet from being on my feet for 9 straight hours in stiff new shoes and even the smell of beer and Merlot I can't get off me makes my day because I'm in a god damn West End theatre! The other day I got to walk onto the stage (okay, we snuck into the wings a bit) but the fan girl in me was crying out to start twirling across the stage, of course I had to painfully restrain myself. I get to see the cast rehearsing, eat lunch with them and even have drinks with them after the show. I'm honestly in theatre heaven. Fully theatre nerd geeking out! When I finally went so see the show that was at the theatre it was surreal, as I had come to know the cast as people not just as their characters. It was also weird as I had listened to these songs 4 times a week, every week, I knew every part of them inside out. Not just for their amazingness but I also knew them as ques as to how to do my job. There was one song in which there is a manic piano section right before the interval, and we used to use this section as a que to know when we needed to start running about as manically as the music to get ice in all the drinks. I couldn’t help but have a laugh to myself thinking that my mates would be running around whilst I was comfy in the second row.

Working here, I also have found a continental family that comes from just down the road to far flung Brazil. Who, even though I am now 100 miles away in Nottingham again, I still stay in touch with. Arguably, one of the most challenging things about this job was getting to understand all these amazing yet very different cultures and languages working in that team. Admittedly one of the only things I learnt was penis in a few languages, but it was so worth it. I shall never forget how to say “do you want to suck my dick” in two different languages, well you never know when it will come in handy! Having to leave these people behind to go back to Nottingham was one of the hardest things as I truly had made friends for life over that summer.

Subsequently back in Nottingham I needed a job…again, and where best to look but the theatre. And, as if the dancing theatre gods were looking down on me, bar staff positions were being advertised! With good luck on my side still, I managed to get the job! As hard as it was leaving my London lovely’s behind, I have found a new, slightly northern (you’re all northern past Watford to me, but to be politically correct, Nottingham is “midlands”) wonderful bunch that are equally alcoholic as the others! Whilst the job hasn’t got some of the same “perks” I had in London, I love it here equally as the people make it all the more worth it.

Now I’ve been working in this environment for almost half a year a few things I have noticed crop up both in London and Nottingham regularly. And like any job I have my bug bares about it, no matter how otherwise perfect it is. I have found, whether someone is paying £200 or £20 for a ticket their behaviour is disarmingly similar. It has inspired me to create a somewhat light-hearted list of behaviours to avoid in establishments such as theatres. Please reread the words “light hearted” just in case you missed it.

1. Please don't flirt with us

We are literally just doing our job. Imagine someone came up to your desk in your office job, and asked for the stapler with a wink then a comment about how your clothing fitted. Real story, at work I had a man claim that if he were to buy my top (a t-shirt with the show in question on) that it would be too loose around the chest as I was so busty. I honestly don't get paid enough to deal with that bull shit. I don’t want to have to be sent home early as the drunken male crowd can’t control themselves and find it acceptable to ask me if I have a boyfriend then make lewd remarks and gestures towards me every time they come to the bar. Like seriously, I don’t get paid enough for that.

2. Know your audience

At my work, there is a lot to talk about with us like the show, the drinks, the music. And we love it. If anything, it's my favourite bit of the job to chat with the people I serve drinks to. But please don't expect a full-on chat when there is 15 people queuing at my till behind you, during the interval rush.

3. Yes, I am getting you a god damn cup

As petty as this sounds, this is the biggest bug bear of them all for me. Our bars are very fast paced to keep up with everyone, yet I only have two hands so I can't do everything at the same time. And most times people ask it so condescendingly. No, I am not stupid, I realise you need a plastic cup as its 5 minutes until the show starts but I have to get the bottles of beer, put them on the bar then uncap them. Then, as I reach to get the cups whist simultaneously bending back to place the caps in the bin and putting the bottles opener down you ask for cups, My hand is literally on them. I do understand that this sounds ridiculous and it shouldn't bother me, but this just really grates me.

4. Don't be a dick if we don't have your favourite drink

We're a theatre bar, not a pub or a cocktail bar. Deal with it.

5. We don't decide the prices

I wish I had a pound for every time someone moaned about the prices of our drinks, maybe then I could afford some the drinks I'm selling! We get that in your local pub a pint is only £3 but here... it’s not. Don't preach to me how hard done by you feel handing over £5 for a large wine, when I'm on minimum wage which won't even cover a measure of grey goose. Honestly, we feel as shitty about it as you mate but there’s nothing either of us can do about it

6. Yes, you really do need a plastic cup

On the opposite side of point 3, I will always come across people who think the rules don’t apply to them. We give out plastic cups because that’s the rules of the theatre, not because we want to “taint the flavour of the beer” yup, real customer quote there. Just accept that this is the way we roll, and enjoy that the fact that we have plastic bottles of wine you can take in.

7. Please, just ask an usher

For some reason, most days people will come up to the bar when we are very busy and just thrust their ticket in front of us, as if we have magical powers of just knowing what they want. All we can tell you is if you’re on the right floor. I don’t know what door you need to do in for seat 23 row H, that’s the ushers job. They’re there for a reason.

8. We can refuse to serve you

It’s as embarrassing for us as it is for you. But we really can refuse to serve you if you’ve got too drunk. And lets be real, you’re at the theatre, you’re not there to get shit faced. Even if it is a body building contest (yes, I’m looking at you, the bunch of ass hole men that berated me for 4 hours until they were kicked out)

9. You’re standing next to a mother fucking bin, use it!

More often than not, I find middle age men find great triumph in striding over to the bar and victoriously slamming their cup down on the bar, looking you forcefully in the eye whilst doing so and, with a swish of their nose hair, victoriously marching back over to their group. Mate, I can see you’re standing next to a bright red bin. It’s not there for décor let’s put it that way. Yes, I get that we also have a bin but they get full so quickly and by doing this you’re in turn making our bar very messy. I clear up enough after you, at least use the bloody bin yourself.

10. Don’t be the dick that comes up to the bar as we are closing up

There will always be a cheeky bugger that will do that half jog half saunter up to the bar just as the last person will have gone into the theatre after the interval and we can hear the second act starting. Said person will know we are closing as we will have cleared everything off the bar, no one is at a till and we will have wiped the forced smiles off our faces. Said person will not have taken this hint and say “alright darlin, still time for a pint?” No ass hole there’s not, but my supervisor is breathing down my back about sales so I’ll say yes and secretly want to hurt you whilst I have to screw on the taps again, and begrudgingly hand over your overly heady pint (yes, I’m this petty) as you spill beer on the freshly cleaned and polished bar front as you grab your pint and saunter back off. Thinking nothing of the work we have to now redo.

11. We can see who is next, everybody is waiting in a queue, not just you.

No one likes waiting for a drink, it’s a bitch to have to wait 5 minutes for a glass of wine. The interval rush is a horrible stampede of thirsty theatre goers. However, there is 2000 people, 3 bars and 11 staff members, it’s inevitable that there’s going to be a bit of a wait no matter how fast we work, and believe me, we work fast. In this job, we are trained to notice who is next in our queue, a queue that is spread into a clump no less. Please don’t mutter to the people around you that “she’s obviously not trained enough to see around her, I was obviously next” because actually I saw you, the rather large lady in the offensively bright red top, come up the bar and push your way through the crowd that had formed. I know you’re not next. Yet even after I have pulled out my best smile and apologised for the wait but in fact this woman who had been waiting patiently on the other side of me was actually next. You dare mutter “Err she obviously is blind or stupid if she didn’t know I was next” Guys, we’re people too, no need to be rude to us. I’m not saying we don’t make mistakes like this, we are human and we do screw it up sometimes and are always happy to be corrected. But there is no need to call us stupid.

I reiterate, this list is completely light hearted and just based on a handful of my own experiences and not in any way a complete overview of all theatre bars/bars in general. But I hope you come away more insightful knowing the joys and bug bares of one of my favourite jobs to date.

#Nottingham #London #bar #jobs